Circular Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about circulariy lately. Lots of time to think, since I've spent well over a month now, either on leave from work or working remotely. I haven't been to the office in almost 6 weeks. My thought have moved from tiny circles, plashing round and round in sadness, to wider ripples bringing joy and calm..

And yet, in the world around me pandemic is striking. I don't know if we're at the end of the early phase or the beginning of the middle phase, but we're certainly not in the calmer waters. It seems so psychologically fitting that one of the first big panics was over toilet paper. I just can't get that worked up about this. I recognize it could get really bad, but we're an incredibly resilient lot. We may need to pull out the skills our parents and grandparents used to get through World War II.

My mother was about 20 when World War II began. Her mother had died two years before and her father was in the Philippines as the Japanese captured it. She was the here in California with her sister and brothers - 18, 16, and 14. No parents, no chaperones, no family but themselves. Within a couple of years, she would have her medical degree from Stanford and be practicing in San Francisco.

I can hear my mother's voice, calmly saying, "Calm down. Yes, it's serious. Just don't be stupid. But, equally, don't panic. It won't get you anywhere."

She was an oasis of calm intelligence. She rarely lost her cool, although she often said she was pulling her hair out. Damn, I miss her at times like this, her and bone-deep practicality and common sense. She would have been fascinated by the science of this virus and the medical response to the pandemic. She would have looked over her shoulder, told me to calm down, and then turned around to continue whatever project she was working on. And I would have relaxed, at least a little. The benefits of childhood...

Anyway - circularity. We've been here before - in little bits and pieces. I usually extrapolate from my experience and my best information. Have I ever been quarantined because of a health concern? No. But I have lived through serious earthquakes, floods, typhoons, the establishment of martial law in the Philippines, and civil unrest.

So, I'm ticking through the basics.

Do I have food and drink? Yes. Plenty. Will I run out of fresh food if I don't go out at all or have anything delivered? Yes. But do I have food to make reasonably healthy meals? Yes. For a month? Yes. Check.

Do I have a roof over my head that isn't going anywhere in the near future? Yes. And I am working remotely, so I still have income. I am very, very blessed. Check.

Do I have medicines on which I rely for decent health? Yes. Do I have a few months worth? Yes. Check.

Do I have a support system of family and friends to video chat, call, and play online games with? Yes. Do they love me and I love them? Yes. Okay, super-blessed I am. Check.

Do I have things to challenge my brain, entertain, and energize me? Yes, to all. Did you know the library often gives you access to music files. Really good music. One of the services my local library connects me to is a jazz music archive that is pretty amazing. I spent this whole evening listening to Art Pepper albums I've never heard. I have Netflix, BritBox, Acorn, PBS, Amazon Prime, and YouTubeTV. I have both Alexa and Google Home. I have art supplies. I have a camera to take photos of the world, which I'm really taking the time to see.

I'm circling back to the things that make me feel safe and comfortable. Every afternoon at about 4 or 4:30, I'm having a coke with a couple of crackers and cheese. It's what we did in Manila. Mom would sit down with us, have a coke, crackers, a cookie perhaps, and pause before starting in on dinner cooking. I've got a set of crackle glasses with thumbholds, just like we had when I was growing up. I sit and look out at my patio and the setting sun behind.

And tonight I set up my study like a typical college dorm room for one. That's what it feels like to me. This could have been any one of my rooms at college. It feels like a refuge, a hug for me. I'm draping myself in this room.

Every great time has some calamity they have to face up to and conquer. Let's circle back, both to our personal history to find our comfort, but also to history writ large to capture the lessons that will help us now.

I know. I'm Pollyanna. But right now I'm singing "You've Got to Accentuate the Positive." Hang on. Don't panic. Human beings are remarkably adaptable. We just have to give ourselves a chance to live up to the moment.

I hope i'm right. I hope calamity doesn't strike me and those I love. But all I can really do is take care, stay safe, and stay calm. I hope you are able to do that as well.