Tip for Grievers #11

Don't stop talking about them.

It may seem really painful at first, but long-term it's such a blessing. I learned this after my parents died 30 years ago.

Keep them alive in stories, in jokes, as well as in your thoughts. Don't make them saints (you aren't the Pope and they likely weren't). Instead celebrate both the good and the bad. Help your family and friends remember them as they really were.

It's floored me how often others have said how kind and polite Tom was. He was very kind (at heart), but he didn't show that to everyone. He had early onset grumpiness (see Portlandia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bewKPi9gdT4), for goodness sake. But he did have a gentle spirit that I think people could see.

When I went to UCSF to the dentist a couple of weeks ago, one of the receptionists asked where he was. When I said he had died, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sad to hear that. He was always so nice and kind and happy. Well, except when he was a little grumpy." That made me happier than anything - that she could see both sides and still mourn a little with me.

If I make Tom out to be all-wonderful, he will become less real, less a part of me and my on-going life. I need to hear his cynicism and his optimism in my ear. I need his laughter and his grousing ringing in the air. It's up to me to keep them going.