Tip for Grievers #14

Don't let anyone else tell you the right way to grieve or even imply that you are doing it wrong. You make your own journey as you go. We all grieve differently.

A friend took many months off work to focus on her work of grief. Another led her everyday life for a year and then suddenly was overwhelmed by such a huge wave of grief that she almost literally fell apart. My brother chose to think our parents were still alive to get through a patch of life that was overwhelming. After caring for his ailing wife for years, a man I know began to see women before his wife was buried. I work, dye my hair purple, laugh a lot, and host dinners.

Death is such a monumental stutter in our normal experience that we can only react with authenticity. For at least a time publicly (and much longer privately), we are in direct contact with the incomprehensible. How can a person we loved and continue to love just be gone? There's no do-over with death. We face a reality that cannot be changed, no matter how much effort, time, and money we throw at it. It seems un-American, unhuman.

Some of us wind through depression and anxiety. Some sleep around. Some pause the pain with alcohol or drugs. Some exercise to oblivion.

Whatever way you want to come to terms with this is your way. Try not to hurt yourself or others. But give yourself a break. While you may think you are fumbling in the dark, you are on your own private path. Trust yourself.